Dear All,
A reader of our website has fired off a few great questions for me. Seeing as how I am simply a RAD sufferer, not a doctor, I will do my best to answer those questions with the benefit of my own hindsight. I remind readers that you should ALWAYS seek the advice of a RAD specialist when it comes to your loved one (young or old). So here we go, down the rabbit hole.
1) When you refer to a “clear, DEFINED understanding” of your past, are you referring solely to the understanding that you gained from contacting your birth family as an adult, or do you also mean something that could help you understand what you were going though more generally, maybe by reference to other kids in similar situations?
When I spoke about a "clear defined understanding" I was referring to my birthfamily and my past. I am VERY fond of saying that closed adoptions literally rob an already damaged and confused child the benefit of knowing their past. Once that has happened, the roots to the world that they knew (Destructive or not) are ripped from the earth, and the child (or adult) is simply wandering around the earth, with nothing to attach him/her to family or the community around them. Madness will surely ensue, just as it did for me.
As for referencing other children. A RAD child has no way to relate to other children. While I was being spit on, beat up or generally abused in school, there was no way to communicate with other children simply because of the vast void between us. Other children had friends, other children activities they enjoyed while I killed animals, got high and spent a good majority of my time in mental hospitals.
2) As I mentioned before, we are thinking about contact with our daughter’s original family but hesitate to do it when she seems so unstable and we don’t want to make things worse….yet maybe the contact could help her stabilize. Of course, there’s also the question of whether we can arrange for the contact to happen in a way that is safe.
When I was 12 years old, introducing to my family would have been a tragedy. Both sides of my family are rife with drug abuse, mental illness and terribly complicated situations. Introducing that pressure to me as a child would have only made me angrier. I would be torn between my adoptive family and my birthfamily that abused me and dumped me into a system simply because I was a hinderance to their own drug abuse and sexual issues.
I can only imagine my mentally unstable, drunk, pissed off birthmother, reeking of booze telling me how much she loved me. It would have escalated from an already terrible situation to a possibly tragic one. I remind readers that my birthmother will only speak to me drunk, drinking or nearly passing out. And during that time she usually tells me how much of a hypocrite I am, and how much she hated giving me up. Than she passes out. Imagine introducing that kind of situation to a 12 year old child such as myself.
Personally, I would be VERY, VERY careful and think of all the of the possible negative ramifications for this kind of scenario. My adage:
I was adopted for a reason, and the reason wasn't good.
So I ask you this. At this point in your daughter's life, when she is confused, acting up and causing possible havok, why introduce even more emotional turmoil into a smoldering powder keg. At her age, she doesn't have the vocabulary or the mental ability to comprehend and communicate the abuses or the neglect that she has faced with the benefit of life experience and hindsight. All she knows is, she is pissed off and violence is her communication to you. As an adoptive family witnessing rages, imagine what might happen if she is face to face with the people that caused he so much pain. (Assuming for the moment the parent's abused or neglected her).
3) When you refer to “A means to express the undefined pain that I was suffering on a daily basis”….where this takes me is wondering what it would take to create socially appropriate ways for kids in that situation to express their pain, rather than using violence. Given that you were a great reader, I’m assuming that if journaling or writing poetry would have been effective for you, you might have chosen them (and maybe you did use them to some extent). Do you have ideas?
As a child, I wrote beautiful poetry that made even my dad cry like a baby. They were usually very gorey poems of my own suicide, pain and depression. They didn't reek of "Pity me" routines that alot of depressive themed poets end up producing, but simply stating my emotional facts at the time. It helped me tremendously to write poetry and honed my writing skills. Unfortunately, it just wasn't enough. It took the "Edge" off of my pain at the time but it wasn't enough to quell my inner demons but it was a great start. I have books of poetry that I haven't yet submitted for publishing. I would encourage writing to anyone that is suffering from any disorder or mental illness. It's a wonderful look into your emotional self.
4) For example, we often say to our daughter, “It’s not unusual for kids who have had your experiences to feel this way because…..(and then we try to put it in an age-appropriate framework that’s specific to her experience)” As part of our daughter’s day-treatment program, she took part in a 10-week-workshop about trauma and attachment that started to explore this stuff with other girls her age.” She seemed to enjoy it a lot and often came home and told me what they had done and showed me the art project they had done in connection with the topic for that week. I’m not suggesting this INSTEAD of contact with the original family, if possible, but in addition to. What do you think, in general?
I think it's a great idea that you are talking about her experiences in a framework that's age appropriate. You are slowly introducing reality to her that makes sense to her. Outstanding.
I am an artist myself. I HIGHLY recommend art as a way of treatment and overall mental health. My parents (Bless them) understood that I loved military aircraft and flight in general. They buried me in books, took me on trips to air bases to look at F-16's and other fighters. I LOVED it. I flew my first airplane at the age of 14. They engrossed me in something that had nothing to do with treatment, medications or anything other than what I enjoyed, and it payed off. I recommend that if your daughter likes art or another interest, hone in on that and bury her with that material. Let her express herself through art, flowers, the outdoors, whatever it may be.
What you might find is that when she is enjoying herself and being the true daughter that she was meant to be, she JUST MIGHT open up the floodgates a bit and tell you more about how she is feeling. Let her come to you when she is in her "Happy place". You just might be surprised.
Thank you all so much for taking time out of your day for reading this blogs. If anyone has questions, hate mail or anything else, contact me!
Sincerely,
Michael
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|2010-06-09 14:30:42 MelissaHi, Michael! As I said before, this post was very helpful, and I so appreciate what you are doing. Here's anothe question...
You mentioned letting my daughter come to me when she is in her "happy place." I am very thankful that she does have a happy place, and when she's going thorugh a good phase she spends a lot of time there (fuguratively). She is very loving and affectionate and has a great sense of humor -- I have never heard anyone laugh out loud more at a funny movie or sitcome than she does. She also continually develops new interpersonal skills...the ability to ask for help, for example, or admit she was mistaken about something, or to focus on a task that takes more than one or two minutes to complete.
And...how exactly do I put this...I know that the "happy place" experienced by a RAD sufferer is different from the "happy place" experienced by someone without RAD. In other words, Michael, since you've written about not feeling emotions, and ...
As always reading your words, you are such an inspiration to those out there that do not know where to turn. You are a breath of fresh air, you have opened up a place for people to come to listen and to learn from you and your experiences that can in turn help them in their own lives. You give so much here to people, that I do not think you always realize this. Keep up the amazing work and your writings and passing on your knowledge, you truly are able to reach people in an amazing way, and above all else no matter how you feel, that right there should make you feel pretty damn proud of yourself and what you have accomplished over the past few years. ILU