Dear All,
I have always been a movie fan. I love all kinds of movies, love, drama, action, you name it. As a child, I learned that movies made better friends then the people that spit on me at school. I especially loved excessively violent movies and ones that would depress me and turn me into a suicidal wreck.
I would go out of my way to watch particular scenes over and over and over again. Over time, each time I would watch, another tear would drop, I would load another round (Bullet) into a rifle I owned and I would just bawl. I will write about one particular movie that still resonates with me today.
When I was roughly 22-23 years old, I had a particularly hard time watching a crash scene from the movie "Armageddon". Let's set the scene up.
Harry Stamper and his team are on two shuttles that are trying to land on an earth crushing meteor hurtling towards earth at gawd awful speeds. The ejected rocks from the meteor present a HUGE problem for the both the landing craft.
"Were gonna hit!!!" The pilot of the shuttle "Independence" screams. The next scene flashes to rocks cracking and splitting the windscreen of the shuttle. One giant, final rock smashes the entire windscreen in and the shuttle goes wildly out of control.
The pilot yells to entire team "The ship is out of control and we are going down". The entire ship breaks up as it spins out of control. People in the other shuttle can see destruction and chaos. A body from the doomed ship actually hits the other ships before the "Independence" crashes into the main body of the meteor.
Inside the doomed ship, people are killed instantly, destruction and chaos rain. Pipes, flames and bodies are thrown everywhere. The chaos inside the ship is extremely violent in nature.
Of course, being a media love, the music is very, very powerful and deep. (I am a HUGE music fan).
Why is all of this important to me? (And maybe another suffering from R.A.D.) Why did it send me into depression that was so terrible I felt like ending my own life? It took me 10 years to figure it out. In the end, it's very, very simple. So simple, it's scary.
Common association.
It took me realizing that my brain was associating what I was seeing with my own actions and life through the scene I was watching. I quite literally was "The Independence". I was spinning out of control, taking other's down with me and headed for total destruction. Others were watching me fall apart (Family and people that knew me) and there was nothing they could do. (Hence, the other ship watching the "Independence" crashing.
My previous animal killing, drug usage, destructive past and personal destruction was simply being reflected by what I saw and I never associated the crashing ship to my own life.
I remember the woman I was seeing at the time was one the phone with me, while I sobbed and I asked her "What's wrong with me?" as I was watching this scene. "I don't know, Mike". I hung up the phone of course and just watched this scene over and over and over until I either drank myself to sleep, attempted suicide or just lied in bed for a few days, doing nothing and just let myself slip further out of control.
It literally took the intervention of a hospital to stop the depression from getting any worse. I couldn't watch Armageddon ever again until today to blog about this with RAD parents and RAD sufferer's.
Media is a VERY POWERFUL tool. However, in the hands of someone with R.A.D. that is unconsciously associating what they are seeing and becoming "Cathartic" is EXTREMELY dangerous.
I write this today so that RAD parents and RAD sufferer's understand that media while intended to please can cause terrible pain and suffering if it's not used correctly and understood by the viewer.
For those that of you that would like to view the scene in it's entirety, here you go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awMKp8p50nE&feature=related
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