Recently, a new member of RAD ONLINE has joined us and decided to start networking and speaking with us about RAD and how devastating this disorder can be. She's afraid she's going to overload me with questions. Rubbish. Thats my job as an advocate, to answer questions. Recently, she talked about how her daughter would say things that might shock an ordinary person. Shocking??? Not for us, it's normal.
I have to reiterate the fact that I am not a doctor. I can just see it now, a lawyer calls me saying someone is bringing a suit against me. The good news, I am dirt poor with nothing, so that's out. Once again however, I must stress that I am not a doctor of any kind, just a RAD sufferer and nothing more. Now that the legal junk is out of the way, let's take a peek at some of my own personal "Shocking moments" during the throes of RAD and we as a group and dissect their implications and their meanings.
Many times, when I was younger, my answer to my lonliness, my sadness and my grieft was to kill, abuse or burn something. Since I was a very well versed poet by the time of about 10 years old I could very plainly voice both my opinion and my exterior feelings.
I was a very well read child and to this day, I pride myself on the fact that I am well read, well versed and somewhat educated. However, as a child with a gift of reading and word there was one stark reality:
I couldn't express what happening inside of my phsyche simply because I didn't have two major object singularties:
1) A Clear, DEFINED understanding of my past
2) A means to express the undefined pain that I suffering on a daily basis.
Without those two factors, I was a book without pages, impossible to read and even harder to understand.
My shocking acts were a way to express those emotions that would:
A) Be a relational way to control my surroundings to the best of my abilities at the time.
B) Express pain through violence that I not only witnessed, but was most likely a part of
C) Control others acts and feelings.
D) Ensure that those around me would understand that I was the devil and was not deserving
of love, empathy or forgivness.
E) To further ensure that my own pain would continue from my negative actions. ("I am a bad child, so I derserve to be tortured myself")
I would act out many times at the shock of my family my neighbors, school officials, police officers and anyone who would get in my way. This was my way of saying "I'm the devil, I'm not worthy of your love or your respect. Take me with caution".
This of course also deepend my resentment of the world around me. It was a self powered destructive device, these horrible things I did. The more I acted out (Killed, abused, Drank, Held knives to parents, started fires) the larger devide I created with those around me.
My brain was telling me "Mike, your the devil", my heart was saying "You are worthless, so act worthlessly". The enusing 27 years is the resultant of that thinking. It didn't help that I was introduced to more trauma through failed relationships, doctor's telling me I would never be better and some of my own family members resenting my existence.
The cycle was now complete, I was no longer human. Just what I wanted and not what I wanted. As I reached out to others the only way I knew how, the worse it was. "I'm in pain, and I don't know how to express that pain"
It is of course, a terrible cycle.
Many RAD sufferer's will shock simply as a way to control their environment. Let's take a very simple example.
A RAD child attempts to burn down a house after a seemingly heightening acts of negative behavior. The bewildered parents are totally at a loss for words (rightfully so). The police have intervened (And most police officers don't even know what RAD is, so we wont get into that). The courts are calling your child a degenerate, extended family members are shaking their heads, and neighbors are hiding anything that can be burned, locking their doors)
The RAD child has now effectively controlled not only his/her immediate environment but the environment around him/her that extends far past the immediate environment. He/she has influenced people that are charged with controlling him/her and told them very specifically "I am in control, wether you like it or not".
RAD children are historically taken from home to home to home or suffered detachment repeatedly during the developmental drive years. Is it any wonder then, when the subconcious mind feels out of control, negative actions mimic a sufferer's experiences they have had earlier in life and tragedy ensues? A rational mind would say yes, of course.
I would rage whenever I was stressed or felt out of control. When I felt like my family wasn't paying enough attention to me, or a household pet would let me hold them, I would be sent into a rage. Usually an animal died or something was destroyed. This was my only way to express to my family that I was hurting, felt rejected or worse was in self destruct mode.
As a child, I simply had no connection to the world, and these weird people calling me their son had no idea how truly evil I really was. At least in my mind. So when I did reach out to them, I was doing it through learned experience. Act out, and I get attention. The more shock and awe, the bigger the response.
The X factor in this is that when negative consequences happened to me, the more I was likely to rage again. My negative actions were my emotions and people were punishing me for them. In NO WAY am I advocating to let a child dangerously rage, I am simply expressing my view with the benefit of hindsight.
My ears perk up when I hear someone say "My child says she's Hilter", or "Im a dumpster baby". Two questions in my mind as a RAD sufferer immediately take shape:
1) Where did the daughter learn about Hitler, who taught her about Hitler and why? School most likely, but once again my ears perked up.
2) The referencing to "Dumpster Baby" really has me concerned. We know of course children lack the intellect of hindsight, and I ask myself "Why was this child even mentioning the word?" Such painful words indicate to me that this child has either:
1a) Learned this word through the grapevine.
2b) Has learned this word but doesn't know the exact implications of it.
3b) Feels as though, through her early childhood experiences she is "Disposable". She COULD feel like trash, thrown away as a child and left for dead.
I myself many times as a child and even sometimes TODAY feel like I was tossed awayl. Thrown away. Not worth the effort and I acted accordingly.
We have to listen carefully to what the RAD sufferer (young or old) says when they do speak of such horrible things and act visciously, callously or criminally. There is no plausible explanation other than, "There are no coincidences".
Every violent act, every horrible word, every time a RAD sufferer acts out in any way, we are speaking to you. It's a language that many don't understand, but it must be put into context of the sufferer not the witness. As parents, advocates, police officers, court officials, social workers we need to listen very, very,very carefully to a RAD sufferer when they are acting out.
A simple word can be a window and a platform in which to better understand and dissect RAD.
Parents: When your child acts out or says very heinous things, they are communicating their pain and anguish. They want to shock you so they have your full attention. Listen, Listen, Listen. And then ask questions.
RAD Adults: Before you act out, rage or go into a depressive spin what has happened to you within the last 24 hours to trigger an event? A loss? Violence? Write down what has happened, use hindsight of your life story.
The window in which RAD sufferers is a very small one, without a window pane and beyond that window is a world in which we need to investigate.
Sincerely,
Michael
-
|2010-06-06 01:03:00 Melissa - Quick question...Michael, thanks for this. I tried to post a rather long response but it was too long for this spot so I tried to do it through "User Article Submissions" and I'm writing this just in case it got lost in cyberspace...I didn't save a copy, but it responded to this post...the part about the object singularities was esp. useful for me and I had some follow-up questions. I'll try to reconstruct it if it got lost.
-
|2010-07-09 04:18:59 cvbcheap gucci shoes dinner or to feed the stock.Gradually,there came a change. cheap kamas entered their lives, a restlessness that speedily became the worst kind of dofus kamas homesickness--the homesickness of one who is already at home.kamas breakfast; Sq
