Melissa asked me what the “Aha” moment was. When did I decide to get better? How can she reach her 10 year old when the RAD rages begin? The first thing I can say Melissa, is, thank you for your devotion to a child that really needs you, even though she seems to hate you at times. Grab some coffee, a few cigarettes (if you smoke) and a salad and get ready for a very long read.
1) The back story.
I have to say there was no "aha" moment. It was a process of emotional and physical breakdown that started when I was 2 years old. For the next 27 years I stole, I drank, I abused, killed animals, started fires, literally tore my parents house apart from wall to wall. In my teens, I only spun further out of control.
Doctors told me that I would never be better. I was placed in more mental hospitals than I can count, and nothing worked. I simply endured more trauma in each hospital, having to say goodbye to friends and doctors that I eventually began to trust. (Even a love interest! Her name was Sherry, and she was my first love). When I got home, I killed more animals, started more fires, stole and smoked whenever I could. There was no end in sight for what I was going through. My family paid a heavy toll for my actions.
When I was destroying, stealing, lying or cheating I was quiet, reclusive and very much to myself. I read alot of books and put together countless models of military aircraft which I studied intently. And then I destroyed them. I was very much an alone child.
In my early twenties I didn't think things could get worse than they already were. How wrong I was. My first real suicide attempt happened. I attempted to hang myself in a closet with a belt. Of course, that didn't work and I ended up back in a mental hospital. I still have a scar on my neck from where the belt dug into my skin. My family members drew further away from me (Especially my sister). No one knew what to do.
I ended up meeting a woman online (Who's name I will protect) and we got married after about a year. One more bad idea out of all the bad ideas that I made in my life. Our marriage was a wreck. I started out trying to be a good husband. I got a job, and held it. I was paying bills; I had two cars (For the first time in my life). Soon however things took a downward spiral. I learned very quickly that I wasn't the kind of person that understood relationships. I couldn't get close to this woman and it took its toll. I did love her, but in a skewed sense. Soon I was drinking even more, still sleeping with other women as a means of expressing not only my own personal frustration, but my sex abuse issues. (Which was a recurrent theme throughout my life, even today.
Of course as our marriage simply got worse, she left. (Which I totally understand). She was angry and frustrated. With all of my anger, I still understood why she left. What I didn't understand however, was that was more RAD trauma stacked onto the already huge amount of trust issues that I had. One more notch for self destruction and a perfectly good excuse at that. I fell deeper into depression and into more abuse of every kind imaginable. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I wasn't good at anything. I had nothing. After she left, I fell apart. I lost both my cars; I lost my apartment, my job and my last shred of hope for a normal life.
My family of course tried their best to help and protect me but it was too late. I was finished with life. However, while my ex wife was planning to leave, I pleaded with her to stay. I wanted to be a better husband and I wanted to get back on track. I truly meant it. She, however still left, and I don't blame her.
I spent the next three years in destructive and abusive relationships, drinking and just hating life. I didn't think it could get any worse. There was literally nothing left of me. Nothing recognizable.
To this day, I still cannot connect with people. I try so hard but I feel so different and so lost. I cannot connect with other's in their 30's because they are young successful and have families with money and careers. All I have are shreds of my life that I destroyed on my own. I have nothing in common with others. I am simply here, sifting through the ashes of what's left. Nothing more. Who can possibly understand that, and me them???
The AHA moment:
There was no "AHA" moment. There were many of them at different times in my life. I wrote a blog post called "I found my voice on a riverbank". That talked about how I started to find my voice through nature. Learning how to live on my own, without any help in very tough conditions in the woods. I had to learn how to survive on very little in very demanding and harsh conditions.
Learning how to live on my own with no assistance took allot. I had to learn alot of survival techniques. I had to apply them, sober as well and keep myself alive through horrible heat, blowing snowstorms and hunger. I learned that I was capable of keeping myself alive in conditions that most people wouldn't survive. I was "resetting" my thinking through nature, not science.
The next "Aha" moment was when I found my birthfather and his family. It was a total disaster, but something that I had to witness. I had to see where I came from and why. I was able to destroy my life, my family, my marriage and my future because I had no roots from which to grow. I literally was in a world with no connection to anyone or anything. In this sense, I could destroy and kill at will. Until I knew the entire story, I wasn't going to get better.
After I found my entire birth family I asked my girlfriend while staring ahead with no emotion in my voice "What am I supposed to do now??"
The "Walk for adoption" was formed at that moment. Something amazing happened:
I no longer wanted to destroy myself and others. The roots that had been violently torn away from me at the age of 2 years old were finally planted. Now, there was just a hole where my entire life of destruction and rage was now empty. I knew my long lost family. I now knew I was abused before the age of 2. I knew at that moment that as a baby I witnessed drug abuse, violent fights and God know's what else. I knew that the 9 foster homes I was in before the age of 2 only cemented my inner rage and disconnection with the rest of the world.
I had to something, I just didn't know what. I decided I had to claim my life as mine and no one else’s. So I walked home. 50 miles. for 50 miles I generated as much publicity about the walk for adoption and issues that came with it. I was doing something, finally for myself and others that didn't involve some kind of pain. I spoke to a group of RAD parents when the walk was over. That walk was the hardest I had ever attempted. It truly was magic. For the first time in my life, I accomplished something most people don't for a cause. For me, for my family and for those who have endured hell and who have yet to endure it with RAD.
And what is there anything specifically that could have helped you as a child:
The simple answer to that is no. For a child that has endured so much pain, the emotional and physical wall that I put up was impenetrable. Nothing would have helped me because I didn't trust anyone or anything. Everything in my life was disposable. Anyone that attempted to help me found out that I was a terrible child in one way or another and they left. I transformed myself into the devil himself (Something that I truly believed at the age of 12).
There was no helping me.
I truly believe that with counselling (It is well known there is no one combination of treatment is a guarantee for the treatment of RAD) and time, RAD must run its course. For me, no matter how further I sank, I could sink further. I had to reach an age that I understood RAD, understood why I was doing and feeling the way I was, and more time. I had to express my anger, my sadness and my frustration with my life with the addition of hindsight. That is something that takes time. RAD I believe is a disorder that lacks hindsight and rational thought. Without it, a sufferer will continue a downward spiral. (Of course, I am not a doctor)
Our daughter, who is 10, does well much of the time -- but when she's in a difficult space, and acting out violently, I feel like there's no reaching her
You’re not reaching her when she is raging. When I was a child and killing animals I wasn't myself. I was watching myself breaking an animal's neck or throwing one into a wall. When I was tearing my parents house apart I was literally in a dream world. Once the anger ceased I began to cool down, and began the mourning process of what I just did. There was no reasoning with me up to that point. Once again I am not a doctor but this is my advice:
As long as these rages aren't endangering you, her or household pets, let her rage a bit. Once the event is over sit next to her, DO NOT TOUCH HER (This could lead to another rage. A raging RAD sufferer that is forced to be touched could spark another rage). Leave her to cool down. But sit next to her and say "I don't understand what’s happening to you, but I am here to listen." Perhaps ask a question "Why did you destroy that stuffed animal, did it do something to you?” The more you try to control a rage, the more the RAD sufferer has control over you.
A RAD rage is an expression. No matter how violent or horrible it is, it's an expression of inner pain. The sufferer simply doesn't know how to express the pain their in. The rage is their expression.
When she rages, if you can believe this, she is actually reaching out to you the best way that she know's how.
I stress however, if these rages are endangering anyone or anything, call a doctor or the police. Do not allow her to endanger herself or anyone else.
How did I become an advocate?
That's a simple one. The only thing that makes sense in my life now is helping the community and the people I tore apart for 27 years. I owe myself, my family and my community.
As I wrote earlier. If I can help one family or one sufferer with RAD from turning it what I have become 33 years later, than I consider all of this effort worth it.
I hope this helps you and for those of you reading this blog!
Sincerely with regards,
Michael
-
|2010-06-01 16:47:58 Melissa Crabbe - You've given me a lot to think about.Thank you. That was a very generous answer to my questions. You have given me a lot to think about. It is powerful to hear about this directly from a person who has experienced it, and I am grateful for the opportunity.
Your response has also sparked a lot more questions but I want to read through your other posts again to see if I can find some of my answers there.
Thank you for your kindness,
Melissa
-
|2010-06-02 15:54:43 Melissa - A few thoughts...Once again, Michael, thank you for your generosity. I am very appreciative of the opportunity to learn from someone who has been through this.
What you have said about thinking you were the devil reminded me of a phase my daughter went through.
Shortly after learning a little about WWII and Hitler, my daughter started saying, in a joking tone, "I am Hitler." Since many people in our circle are Jewish, this was particularly disturbing. After this went on for a few weeks I finally said to her (in a conversation that happened under her bed because she'd just finished throwing a fit) "I think you are saying that because you are worried that you might be as bad as Hitler, and I have news for you, no matter how bad and mean you might feel, you are not Hitler." I think that actually got through to her because she stopped saying it, but she probably still struggles with those feelings.
She also used to talk about feeling like a "dumpster baby" whose homes (inclu...
-
|2010-07-09 04:16:41 fdgh"Ye see, I--I s'pose I'll have ter come ter you," nike tn he apologized.And he looked ruefully at a few coins he had pulled from his pocket. "They're all the cash I've got left."William frowned a chaussure nike little and stroked his beard."Sure enough!" he muttered sac. Sq
Keep it up, stay strong, were here for you.
Brian