It's been quite a weekend. Maggie and I drove to S.C. to celebrate her niece’s birthday. I flew a MASSIVE 7 foot long stunt kite in 20 mile per hour winds. We drove through the mountains of Tennessee, but decided to skip Sunbright. After 18 hours of driving time we finally got home. And I ended up in the pysch unit for an evaluation as part of a promise to Maggie as soon as I got home.....
I promised myself and Maggie that no matter what happened, as soon as I got home it was time to improve my life. Currently, Centerpoint health has been almost completely non compliant with my treatment plan. My case manager doesn't even call for Christ sakes. The depression, the suicidal ideation was becoming too much for me to handle, let alone anyone else to handle so I headed to the emergency psych unit with my pride checked at the door.
After the usual's (vitals, temp, blood ox and some odds and ends) I ended up sitting in the hospital for about 45 minutes before I was seen. The usual "Are you thinking of harming yourself" question was asked. I said without missing a beat.
"Yes, Suicidal ideation, thoughts, passive actions, ect". The nurse looked shocked. "Wow, you say that so non-chalantly". I chided my response with " I deal with this every day, I don't have the luxury that you do." She seemed pacified with that response and sent me back into the waiting room.
After a formal hello to my doctor for the afternoon he asked some questions about my diagnosis. Officially it's RAD/Bi-Polar/PTSD. When asked what mood stabilizers I was on, I said "none". He looked shocked. The doctor seemed impressed with my rational and intelligence level, and considering I was stable, we both agreed that hospitalization was not the right call. He went over Centerpoint's head (Thank god) and ordered Depakote and another drug for these horrid nightmares I have been having lately.
I walked out of the hospital with two scripts in hand. I am going to try again. I have to. Regardless of how horrible I feel, how much I just want to die sometimes and how terrifying the world around me is, I cannot give in.
RAD is an interesting disorder. I have said many times RAD gives the sufferer to view the world from a disconnected view of the world. While at Maggie's niece’s birthday celebrations I saw true happiness. The little one was happy, and Maggie’s family were all hugging each other and enjoying life. As before I cranked my head sideways and wondered what it was like to be this free. I wonder what it's like to be held in another's arms and feel safe, loved and cared for. For me and many RAD sufferer's young and old, this emotion and show of it is a misnomer. A deceiving trap. For us that suffer with RAD those connections are meaningless.
This isn't to say that I am not heartless; I just cannot understand or comprehend the acts of physical touch in that sense. In any event it made me happy and envious to see Maggie's family enjoying each other’s company. It gives me hope that one day I will understand a hug or even smiling. For now, however, it's still a mystery.
I remember when I vowed to share my life through this blog by creating RAD ONLINE. My promise remains. I will continue to share my life, my heartbreak and everything else RAD in hopes of education. If I can help one family, one child, or one adult from turning into what I have become, all of this hard work was worth the effort.
I thank you all for spending time out of your day to read this blog.
Sincerely,
Michael
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Perhaps you have blogged about this already -- I think I read all your entries but I may not be navigating correctly -- I'd be interested in knowing how you found out about RAD and figured out what was going on with you, and how you learned to become an advocate for yourself. What was that "Aha" moment like? What has been helpful? And what is there anything specifically that could have helped you as a child? Our daughter, who is 10, does well much of the time -- but when she's in a difficult space, and acting out violently, I feel like there's no reaching her.
Thank you!